Review.... My sentiments of you

There is a saying “the race is not for the swiftest, but for those that endure to the end”. Today is December 6^th, today is the last day to submit the final of my  fifteen blogs. After the fourteenth blog I decided I had enough, it’s only one blog short, no worries right? I then thought to myself, why am I being so selfish? What about the persons that had been following me week after week, commenting and advising on what should be my next topic of discussion.

Should they not know how I feel now? Should they not know that I don’t accept but I understand that my father were afraid of being a father to a boy child, because the expectations are harder. The past three months, has been a learning experience for me. Honestly it has been an experience I thought I have dealt with years ago. At first I was skeptical about speaking of something so personal, only when I begin writing and conversing I started hearing other persons like me speaking up. A lot of people have been asking me if I would be continuing my blog.  This I cannot answer just yet, As mentioned in everything in life there is good and Bad, fathers let us try to overpower the bad. As to my dad, I forgive you, the below poem is Exactly my sentiments towards you

Daddy, that word you pronounce that the ending sounds like and E

But it’s really a Y

Yes a Y, de same thing I use to cry

When I say  “why me”

Why me out of the two you hated the most

Why me out of the two had to justify my post

Here’s why, you were too afraid

Afraid of another man that would carry your name

And give it what you would have wanted …”Fame”

Yes fame I said, that’s what you like !

Like when I passed all 6 subjects at CXC , you thought you had all d bragging rights

But yuh right!

That’s your rights, but what about mine?

What about my rights to be loved unconditionally?

 I forgive you though,

Forgive you of all your folly

And every day I pray and thank God for mommy

This communication class caused me to study

Not you!

But the causes and effects of  all dead beat daddies

What I know now, I did not know then

But I thank you

Thank you for sticking with my sister to the very end

Because all de talk I talk about a boy needs a father

So too does a girl, in this cold and trouble world

So for now we would pretend that you did it for us

At least in her life she has a man she can trust 

Enjoy this song people https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VIW4HDfNKQ

Letter to Triston Completed

A few weeks ago, I did a video blog entitled “letter to Triston”. I promised to post another video blog with the continuation this letter; however, time did not permit to do such. A lot of people inclusive of my  younger me wanted to hear what exactly I had to say to eleven year old Triston. Below is a copy of the entire letter, with everything I wanted to tell him.

Dear Triston, 

        you are now in std 5, you may not know this, but because of the gap between you and your dad, made your relationship stronger between you and your mom. At age eleven you won’t understand the lessons that your dad have thought you, like the time he promised to buy you that t shirt for your school bazaar and never showed up. At age 23 doing a social media blog you will then realised that he was teaching you the lessons of disappointments and not everything that’s promised is given.

All the questions you have been asking yourself would be answered in twelve years . You will realised that he did only what he knew how to. Remember when you use to question the racing of your heart beat when he would visit? Well it was one of the two that you thought it was; yes it was fright and not excitement. I wish I could stop you from blaming yourself for his behavior; you’re only a child and cannot be blame for his emotions.  Always remember that your mother has your back, you will be faced with a number of scenarios over the next twelve years and you will see one constant person always showing up, appreciate her.  Trying to over achieve at SEA would not make a difference in your father’s eyes, you might has well stop.

All the hurt, pain and disappointment are actually preparing you for a test, a test called “adulthood”. This test however has different sections, relationships, employment, living on your own and many others. Because you have been through disappointment already, you will find it easy to “jab and Move”. Jab and Move?  You are not yet familiar with this phrase; it would however become your philosophy towards life. Your stepdad would teach you this at a very depressing time in your life, only then you would begin seeing life as a boxing ring, where you Jab (make the punch) and Move (keep moving while being vigilant).

Your future seems bright, the sky is the limit, and passing SEA is the slightest of test you must go through. There is one called CXC, and another Tertiary education, O boy there are some fun times ahead. The people that you think would always be around will give you a shocker. As you always do, don’t get scared just yet, as mentioned, it’s called life and you’re going to make it. Questions about your father and his behavior you would not understand until age twenty three  when you have decided to confront the issue by writing on it. For now you’re only a child, and issues should be least of your problems, try to enjoy life.

PS.

You @ age 23

Single Father Associations of Trinidad and Tobago

Like everything in life, you'll find negatives and positives. I was determine  to not only speak about the negatives fathers there are in society, but also the positives one. My mission was to look for guys that have the same mindset I'll have when I become a father, further to that, I wanted local examples. Facebook is the place most people inclusive of myself now uses as a search engine. searching and searching I came across "Single Fathers Association of Trinidad & Tobago", this group peaked my interest for more reasons than one.

 Being a single parent does not always mean that the father or mother has abandoned their child. One can become a single parent due to the lost of a spouse, mental illness, migrate or the common know one abandonment. Finally, men for men, an organisation that stands and supports another brother, giving him guidance and advise on how to get through circumstances.

The group has 1772 members, "social media junkies" may say that's not a lot, to which I would agree to. However, 1772 active members in y opinion is better that 20,000 inactive ones.These guys  comments on relevant topics, give advise and share inspirational pictures even of their favourite moments being a single father. Usually when I hear "I grew up with a single parent" I automatically use to think that the person grew up with their mother. This group has changed my mindset, the association also share files that can help fathers legally, emotionally and also spiritually. The more I scrolled down the page, the more amuse I became.

One would usually see women having organisations and standing for each other, I felt proud to see men doing it as well. To me this organisation seemed like a home for single fathers to go, a counsellor he could talk to. Though the group is an open group, ones request must be confirmed by the administrator. At first I thought it was not as intimate, the on going conversation on a post between two dads changed my mind. To any single fathers reading this blog and not a member of this group, I'll advise you become one. A man is not an island, it is always a plus when going through a situation to have someone on your side that also went or is going through the same. To the single Fathers Association of Trinidad and Tobago, I salute you'll, we need more of you out here

Values

“Values! What values? “These were the exact words and expression I gave to my aunt that has been reading my blog over the past three months. There’s an old saying that goes; “if yuh don’t know, don’t assume”. Excuse my langue, but there is also one that says “assumption is the mother of all fock ups”. That’s what my aunt literally did herself, correct me if I am wrong, but throughout my blogs, I have been stating scenarios about my relationship with my dad, the negatives, positives and the mistakes I do not intend to repeat.

I really appreciate when people gives feedback on my posts, it is clear that it was read and sometimes well received. The biggest mistake a human could make is assume, it is better to assume the position of not know, than assume you do. I however like the position that my aunt assumed, in her defense she has every right to. She does not live Trinidad and saw me at least twice in her life. Her statement of “you should at least talk about the values he instilled in you” was well received; this is a hefty topic in the development of any child’s life.

 For research purposes I decided to look up the meaning of values so I won’t do my dad “injustice” as she stated. (Values - principles or standards of behavior; one's judgement of what is important in life). I tried really hard to find some values that he instilled in me, had she said “values you learnt because of him” would have made it much easier. The truth of the matter is that he never really instilled any values in me. Please don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I never use to see him, he just however was never a part of my life to get the opportunity to firmly establish an idea or attitude in my mind. Thinking of it now here are some values I learnt because of him:

1.      Never show one child you love him or her more than the other

2.      Showing up for your child’s birthday is better than sending a gift

3.      Respecting your child’s mother earns you extra points

4.      Your word makes you credible

5.      If you’re going to act like a man, think like one

There is always a lesson to be learnt in every situation, and to this particular one I thank my aunt. Had it not been for her, I would not have been able to flesh out these points, this class would have ended and like before my thoughts of my “father” would have gone back to the basement of my head. This particular blog meant a lot to me, I've

been so busy fleshing out childhood scenarios, while neglecting the outcome of them. To fathers out there, try to instilled some values in the life of your child, because, though a child needs a father, so too does an adult.

                                                                                                                           

What to expect when expecting

Being a father means a lifetime of not always knowing what to expect, and it all begins when you’re expecting. Will your baby be a boy or a girl? Tall or short? Will your baby have your nose, or their mother’s sense of humor?

While there can be excitement in what is unknown, forward planning and being supportive of your child’s mother during her pregnancy can help keep you feeling connected to the unborn child. The connection must be made before the child is born, so that when he or she arrives you are connected.

I recently came across an article on the net entitled, “the importance of fathers in the healthy development of a child. This article basically says a lot of the same points I been touching on throughput my blogs. They touch on a topic that to my view a lot of men rarely does. “Sixteen things fathers can do to support their pregnant partners” it was entitled, thinking of it , we rarely hear of men doing five of these sixteen. The list is great though, I can see how this can form a better connection with the unborn child, and forming a close relationship in his or her life. It is my view that

these tips can help eliminate disconnection between father’s and children.

Tips:

1.      Go with your partner to her prenatal visits. The baby's heart starts beating 22 days after conception, or the fifth week of pregnancy, and you can hear it with an ultrasound anywhere between the seventh and twelfth weeks.1 During the second trimester, go with your partner if she needs an ultrasound. You can see the baby's head, arms, hands, legs, and feet. You may even find out the sex of the baby. During the third trimester, ask how you can help during the delivery.
2.    Watch videotapes, listen to audiotapes, check out the Internet, or read books about prenatal development, birthing, and becoming a parent.
3.     Help plan for the baby. Talk with your partner about what you both want for your baby. Ask friends and family members if you can borrow a crib, changing table, or baby clothes. Many people are glad to let you use their things. Save a little money each week. It will make it easier once the baby arrives.
4. Go to classes that will teach you and your partner about childbirth.
5.  Help your partner stay healthy during pregnancy. Help her eat many different foods. Watch what you eat too. If you eat right, you will make it easier for her. Help your partner stay away from alcohol. Alcohol can cause birth defects. Encourage her to drink juice or milk.
6.   Help your partner stay away from street drugs. If you use illegal drugs, stop now, and if your partner uses them, get help for her. Also, encourage her to check with the doctor before taking any over-the-counter drugs or prescription drugs.
7.     Make sure your partner stays away from dangerous household products. Strong cleansers, paint products, and insecticides can all harm your baby. Do not let her empty the cat litter box.
8.        Exercise during pregnancy. Walk or swim together. Both are safe exercises and provide time together.
9.    Be sure your partner gets enough rest. Help with the household chores. Encourage her to use relaxation exercises and join in. Stress can be very harmful to both mother and baby. Talk out differences in a supportive way. If you find yourself becoming angry and having difficulty controlling negative feelings, seek out counseling. Never use physical force, intimidation, belittling comments, or other abusive behaviors. These are not productive for any relationship and are especially harmful during pregnancy.
10.        Understand the different changes both you and your partner are going through as you prepare for parenthood. Pregnancy causes many changes in how a woman feels about how her body is changing. You can still have sex. Talk to each other about what feels good.
11.     Support your partner's choice on how to feed the baby. Breast milk is best for the baby. If mom chooses bottle feeding, you can often take over the feeding of the baby and give mom a rest. Even if breast feeding, mom can pump milk into a bottle, which will allow your participation in the feeding of the baby.
12.       To attach with your baby, take time to learn about the developmental stages and how nutrition, lifestyles, and stress can affect prenatal growth. Listen to your child's heartbeat, feel the kicks. From the second trimester on, you can play the "tapping" game. Each time the mother feels the unborn baby kick, you can respond by tapping her stomach in the same area. The unborn baby quickly learns this "call and response" game. Talk and sing to your baby. Direct positive thoughts and loving feelings to your unborn child. Visualize yourself holding, touching, rocking, or talking to your child. Think about the kind of father you want to be to your child.
13.         Find an infant massage class and attend with your partner. Infant massage is a wonderful way to soothe a baby.
14.    Learn how to bathe, feed, diaper, hold, and comfort a baby. All of these activities will build a father's confidence and enhance bonding with the child.
15.         Find a "New Fathers" support group or talk to other men who have had or are going to have new babies. Share feelings, ideas on supporting the pregnant mom, and tips to make sure you are taking care of yourself.
16.      As soon as the baby is born, hold the baby and look into the baby's eyes. If you talked to the baby before he or she was born, speak to him or her at birth, then he or she will probably recognize your voice

sWe as men, always think to ourselves that we are strong enough to handle any situation, so we may say "when the baby comes I'll know how to deal with it". This may work for some and may not for others, The emotional change that some  may go through can cause a disconnection towards the child. Causing a child twenty years down the road writing blogs on his or her father disconnected relationship, like me, stating the point that, "every child needs a father yet too does an adult" 

Superwoman Rivalry -a poem about mummy

Further to my previous blog “superdad”, and my mentioning of my “supermom”. One of my followers asked me to write a blog on my “supermom” and our relationship. Those that knows me personally, knows I am the number one “mummy’s boy”.  Though not a poet, my heart desired to speak of her through a poem writing style.  Thinking of it now, though i have been mentioning the absenteeism of my dad, i never really dedicated a blog to my mom, the woman that constantly cheers me on....this is for you Mummy!

The first woman I knew,

The first woman I loved

The first woman that loved me back and it was not a matter of choice

She had no ulterior motives, although ignorant behavior of my father

She loved me through the circumstances.

By now you know who I speak of?

I’m sure you do

My mother, My lover, My girl

Looking back now, this woman amases me

Though he was gone when I was 3 months old and my sister was 2

To each question, she always had the right answer as though we were on an episode of  family feud

Superwoman must have hated my mother

Working two jobs, clean clothes, food and homework were always covered.

Instilling values like telling my sis “don’t fight with your brother”

Looking back now, she could have used those situation as a compare and contrast to our father

But no! Not my mother

I’m not going to beat my chest and say of the five of us I’m the best

I could merely be the worse, because of that time she beat me, and I cursed.

Or the time when I played fass, after being asked to cut the grass

And I told my sis, “let she hull she ass” oh boy, oh boy

She didn’t forget to give me that cut ass

My siblings and I knew about getting gifts on valentine day from an early age

Catch, nuggle, penola or Twix, when she walked through the door on February 14^th  

collecting in a single file line used to be the only thing that was on our mind

“Happy valentine day from mummy”, she would say

“Remember that you’re special; don’t let anyone treat you any other way”

I could go on and on about my mother

most genuine love, there is no other

My life, my rock, my pillar

Though my mother, also my father

SUPER DAD

So there I was on Google, minding my own business, searching for topics of discussion. Out of nowhere it came up, an image of “superdad”. This was a first to me, as am only use to superman. I ignored it and continued my mission, desperate now, I pondered on “superdad” was this a cartoon that never aired in my country? Or did it aired that year our cable had cut? Desperate times, calls for desperate measures. I decided to create my own criteria’s of a” SuperDad”.

·        Unlike Clark Kent, he wears not an “S” on his chest, he knows his responsibilities and chose to do it discreetly.  

•   He gets the child what is needed and not what’s always wanted.
•  From a distance he will watch the child fall, but catches him before he hits rock bottom. All to teach the lesson of “life”
•   Regardless of the relationship with him and the child’s mother, he never talks bad about her in front of the child.
•  Unlike Clark, he need not go into a telephone booth to change character. His character must be easily recognisable by his traits.
•  He takes no credits for his actions but rather categories it as “My fatherly duty”
• He listens to his child, not only the vocal language but also the verbal one.
• He loves his child unconditionally, and takes an oath to be there for him/her from the time he impregnate the woman

I’m honestly not sure if there were a cartoon called “superdad”, if not I can see this character in a marvel comic book. Those are the characteristic I believe of a “superdad”, though never had one; they were very identifiable because I had a “Supermom”! 

All Black Dads are dead beat

Yesterday while having lunch with a colleague I decided to bring up the “Parenting” conversation. With a selfish agenda, I quietly listen to her rant and rave about, why women have to stay at home with babies, remain with stretch marks while dad’s only get the bragging rights etc. The discussion was not going in the angle I needed it to! She somehow was not giving me the material for my next blog, then she said it, “most times you see d black man leaving their women to raise the children alone”. For a minute I sat speechless, not because of what she said, but because I was assessing the trend.  I pondered on the statement before I visited the net. I came across a blog on Flickr entitle “Family secrets leads photographer on unexpected journey”.

In the blog, Zun Lee, has always been attracted to capturing images of parents and children– specifically fathers and sons. Exploring this relationship is deeply personal to him, especially after learning in 2004, that he was the offspring of a black man. What peak my interest in this blog was a statement made by  Zun Lee. He said, “There was a lot of anger, resentment and confusion on my part, but it was easy for me to hang on to that hurt and not deal with it. Because for me, as long as I could project my feelings of resentment onto a negative stereotype, I could conveniently push it aside and say, ‘I guess I’m just part of the absent black father narrative myself, so what else is new?’"  His statement almost sounded like something I would have said, had I been Korean with a black history.

But why? Why is it when we talk about black fathers, the imagery associated is that they’re irresponsible, they’re absent, they’re deadbeats and not willing to pick up their share of personal responsibility. The examples to counter the negative stereotypes are Dr. Cliff Huxtable (Cosby) or even Barack Obama. It’s one or the other. This blog is meant as an acknowledgement to the everyday dad who may not be perfect, but is still a part of his child’s life. Though not a dad yet, I think the most important thing about fatherhood for the children is the knowledge that they matter.

The stereotype of black fathers are one that should stop, not all black guys want to, plant the seed and not grow the plant. While writing this blog I profiled a few “black dads” I know,  Leif Mathura, Ricky Agulia, Kegan Mc Guire, Kerry Peters and Kerwyn Kingston to name a few. These guys take their responsibilities seriously and go about their business very quietly. So though there are dead beat black dads, there are also upbeat ones, and society needs to stop comparing black dads to Cliff or Obama. One is a character with a script the other is merely a public figure that must always look good in his country’s eyes. This goes out to all my black brothers that do a good job being a dad, standing out and not sitting down, you all basically shattered the serotype in my eyes.

Letter to Triston

Resume for being a dad

Yesterday while having a conversation with a friend via one of the many social media I’m actively on, a question was asked to me that I thought I had answered to myself a while ago. “Triston, are you ready to be a dad?” And though I had thought about this many times on my own (answer being yes), the context and flow of the conversation made me requisitioned myself.

      Being a dad is not a volunteering service which you can decide to no longer do, or an online magazine which you can unsubscribe to.  This job is a lifetime one which does not have retirement or vacation days. Damn…thinking about it, nor do it have casual days! You being sick, has nothing to do with him or her.  Being a dad requires your lifestyle to change, you no longer living for you alone, but for that little boy or girl that constantly watching you when you’re not even watching.

Being a dad means you no longer have Saturdays for yourself, nor Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or a calendar. Walking around the house naked is a thing of the past, the spontaneous beers run when you already at home may got to go, because chances are you doing a project using clay dough.

Is this why? Is this why a lot of fathers don’t man up to their responsibilities and chicken out? When the novelty of the big belly wares off, and the reality of a crying baby kicks in they decide to run out? 

  Don’t get me wrong, being a father is not a death sentence, nor does it mean your life have to completely turn around. All it means is that you no longer live for you alone, but you and a younger one.

Which do you believe is more healthy for a child, a part-time dad (visits seasonal, Christmas, birthdays etc.) or a totally absent dad?  

12 things a man should teach his son

There are some things in life that boys learn on their own, there are also some things that should be thought to them, to make them better men. Here are the top 12 things (no particular order) I believe a man should teach his son about life. Ironically, some my mom thought me, some from the internet and some as time passed by.

1.     Excuses are Useless

Excuses are for the useless and the weak who cannot do what they said they would do. Always do as you say you will do and never give excuses as to why you didn't do something.

2.     Girls

Girls will respond to you being a boy. They will not respond to you trying to bond with them and have things in common with them. The further away from their femininity you are the more they will be attracted to you. Tease them, play with them, treat them like a little sister and you will not have girl problems.

3.     How to approach females

Approaching a girl you like is not as easy as it seems. To some it’s a natural, to others it’s a cold sweat, sweaty palms process. A dad should give his son the do’s and don’ts of this. After all, he would have had to approach the mother.

4.     Be Bold

Bold action is required to reap the rewards of life. Timidity is good for nothing. If you want something you go after it and you take it. You don’t ask permission to fulfill your goals, you don’t apologize for your goals, you don’t make excuses for your goals, and you don’t give a damn about being modest in the face of lessers.

5.     How to Change the Oil in Your Car / How to Change a Tire

It’s ok to take the car a mechanic to get the oil changed but some day you may be tight on cash. Some day you may be on the highway when a tire blows, you will need to know how to put on a spare tire and not have to rely on mechanical support. Paying someone to change your tire is just a waste of money.

6.     Always Ask for What You Want

If the waiter brings you the wrong food tell them. If the cook made your order wrong tell them. Never be shy to get what you paid for. If your woman asks you what you want for dinner you always answer. You never say “oh, I dunno…what you want…“.

7.     Opportunity is Everywhere

You must learn to keep your eyes and ears open and ready to take advantage of opportunity. As a man you do not wait for opportunity to present itself to you, you seek it out.

.     Trust is Earned, Not Given

Treat everyone with respect but never let your guard down. People in this world are out to eat the weak and if you show vulnerability the lions will feast.

.     Never Give Women Power Over You

When women have the upper hand they will use it to your peril. It is only when you hold your rightful power do women respect you. It is usually the case that men who give women power, who try and do everything to please women, who would never dream of arguing or abusing a women, that get the police called on them for “abuse”, because they take so much, they eventually lash out.

.  How To Tie a Tie

A boy/man should wear a tie at least 3 times in his life time……interviews may require it, grad night, special occasion or even his own wedding. If you don’t teach your Son how to tie a tie he is going to learn from the internet. Is the internet a better father than you?

.  Competition is Great

If you play, you play to win. 2nd place is the first loser, always aim high.

1.  How to play a sport or Swim

When a boy meets up with his peers, there are some things that are given. A good game of football or a beach lime maybe, it’s hard when a boy has to “pass on this one”.

And the list can go on, what other things you thing a father should teach his son? Ladies tell me, what attributes you like to see that you belive can be taught from dad? Fellars, what has your dad did or did not thought you that i did not list?

Stepdad...Na, lets just leave it as Dad

There’s a saying by a Chinese philosopher “a journey of a thousand miles, begins with one step”.  When presented with the assignment to write blogs about something I could relate to, immediately I knew I wanted to talk about my dad and his absenteeism in my life. After talking to one of my avid followers, I realised where I went wrong. Though I have been writing blogs with the storyline of “a boy needing his father, yet too does a man”. I never really explain my story.  

The thing is this, my biological father is alive and kicking, my sister and him have a very strong relationship, to which I’m happy for her. His detachment towards me is one I questioned for years and still awaits the answer. For academic purposes, I did some research on paternal bonds and men. The answer was the same as I thought. Yes it exists, but is rare. So why? I would have once ask, may sound egoist but now I say, so what! In my previous blogs, I looked at the man in the mirror and other scenarios in my life, sometimes more of the negatives than positives. The second half is here, and some may even say the second half is rare!

I know ought to well that a boy need his father, so too does a man because I been through the boy chapter, and currently living the “man” chapter. I missed the presence of my “dad” in the childhood part of my life. The late teenage, young adult years however were different. My mom ex-boyfriend from years before reintroduced his self into my life. No stranger to me he was, looking back now, he was always on the sideline cheering me on, and I just never took notice. Some would label him Stepdad, I say no! Let’s just leave it as dad!

When I look back at my previous blogs I realised that I was constantly speaking of someone that rarely speak of me, steering a ship that had already sailed.  Now, moving forward, my blogs would come with a different twist. My development and mindset is not only based on my childhood experiences. It may sound contradictive, but it’s not.  As my lecturer told me, “the address for your blog is Triston’s heart let’s hear it”. With him saying that I thought I’ll set the platform for you’ll….My development and mindset is not only based on my childhood experiences, but also my young adult ones as well. Two men are responsible for this, my Biological Father and my Dad. Usually “two” comes with the best of both worlds, in my case it came with the Do’s and Don’ts…Because a boy need his father yet too does a man!   

Looking at the man in the mirror

Throughout my childhood years, I heard many different comparisons to my appearance. “You’re the splitting image of your father” sometimes “they take your mother face and stick it on yuh”.  For the purpose of this blog, I stood in front a mirror to determine which were true. To me, all I saw was my mom, or is it because she was whom I rather embodied? I then looked beyond my physical appearance and began to question the reason for some of my actions.

Is it because of my father that i was never quite sure of some manhood things I needed to know? Like, how strong is strong enough, how soft is too soft, or how much doing and giving is enough from a man's point of view? Only now I realised, I have yet to master the art of how to push forward and when to pull back, when to stand up and for how long I should.

In my earlier years there were times when I was unsure when to speak up or when to shut up. Because of lack of input from my father, I was never really quite sure about what other men will think about what i had to say. Who is a man? What are his attributes? A woman may cry when she's afraid, scream when she's angry, eat chocolate when she is depressed or off balance. What does a man do? How does a man handle turmoil in his mind or heart?

I now understand what Michael Jackson meant when he said “I’m looking at the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways”. For the most part of my life, I was unsure of what was expected of me. At times I overcompensate, under commit and in some cases, just give up rather than fail. There was once a time I used to grieve silently, and cry for what was missing. Cry! The one thing men ought to never get caught doing, and I learnt this from my peers. Maybe, just maybe if he was around I would have learnt that it’s ok to cry because I’m only human.

Looking at the man in the mirror, beyond the mirror, made me answered so many questions I did not even know I had to myself. One question that stood out at me was, how can you miss something you never had? Two days after drafting this blog and reading it over, the answer then hit me. You can’t miss something you never had; you can however miss what it could have been.

This particular blog was like a counseling session for me, the more I type, the more answers I received. What it taught me most though, is the man I ought to be to Triston Junior when he comes, so years from now he won’t be having the same questions I did. Because, I know too well how a boy could need his father, yet so too can a man.

Mummy Just Can't do it!

Mummy just can’t do it!

“Best yuh father did pull out and break in ah ants nest”, I once heard a mother told her child. And though I laughed at the time, age permitted me to understand what the child was being told. The child may not have understood, but cried because of the tone and context the line was used.

 Wikipedia states: Parenting is the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood. It’s also the aspects of raising a child aside from the biological relationship.

Anyone can be a father; it however takes a true man to be a daddy. There’s a fame that some men gets when impregnate a woman. They tap their chest, “drink to that”, call up all their boys and tell them the good news that they’ll soon be god daddies. If parenting is what Wikipedia says it is, why is it, some mothers alone are seen at the clinic, at school PTA or even the ones to reassure the “I love yous”?

A classmate once made a “joke” with me and said, “I think you could be one of my sperm donors you know”. Though she reiterated that she was not serious and was only joking, there are a lot of other women with the same mindset. The reason for this is exactly my fore mentioned points. If she has to be there emotionally, intellectually, and physically, with the right job post she might as well be financially.

 The presence of fathers is vital in the upbringing of any child’s life. There are many mothers that play the role of both parents, and to them I applaud. However, when teenage year’s starts kicking in, and hormones starts acting up, there are just some conversations a boy may feel more comfortable speaking to his dad about. The sex talk, condom usage and the reason for a boner every morning are some I just never felt comfortable speaking with my mom about. The stage for riding a bike can cut off at age 16; the proper usage of condoms does not really have a cutoff date, hence the reason a boy needs his father but so too does a man.  

Mummy's Baby......Daddy Mayber

There's an old time saying that goes "mummy's baby...............daddy's maybe."! i would hear my grand mother say it all the time when referring to her grandchildren.
"Well i doh mind watching mi girl child children because ah sure they are my blood, they came from her,  I can't say if mi  son get horn or not".
Looking back now, i wonder if this longtime lingo is the cause and effects of the relationship between my biological dad and I.
But no ! my sister and him has a great relationship, hmmmmmmmm maybe its just me . Maybe its the fact that i look exactly like my mom, and i remind him of what he had,or the man he could have been.
As i am on the word Mom, must give kudos to that woman,She is the cause and effects of my upbringing.

It's amazing how mother's protect their young ones. This can be seen throughout the animal kingdom, mother's go out there way to protect their children from harm, hurt and even deceit.


The thing is....... there's only so much a mother can do in her son's life. She can instill values, teach how to be a gentleman even teach  how to cook so that "no woman cut style on you".......But when scenarios arises that daddy were to teach, you then realises that, a boy needs his father but so too does a man.

This  hit me when i was recently asked the question: "who taught you to ride a bike". When i commenting saying i never owned one, the look was as though I had just confessed to not knowing the name of my country. Mind you, it's not the fact that my mom could not afford it, rather it would be less time consuming to get me a monopoly for Christmas  than having to teach me how to ride a bike  on Christmas morning. And for my entire 23 years of existence it never dawn on me that i was never given a bike or taught how to ride one. Besides, who needs a bike anyway? because of that monopoly I can now make better financial decisions......being honest to myself i can clearly say a bike was  never a factor to me,yet still  in my adult years i had to answer the question.

And we may not see it ,hence the reason for my statement: a boy needs his father but so too does a man .