Superwoman Rivalry -a poem about mummy

Further to my previous blog “superdad”, and my mentioning of my “supermom”. One of my followers asked me to write a blog on my “supermom” and our relationship. Those that knows me personally, knows I am the number one “mummy’s boy”.  Though not a poet, my heart desired to speak of her through a poem writing style.  Thinking of it now, though i have been mentioning the absenteeism of my dad, i never really dedicated a blog to my mom, the woman that constantly cheers me on....this is for you Mummy!

The first woman I knew,

The first woman I loved

The first woman that loved me back and it was not a matter of choice

She had no ulterior motives, although ignorant behavior of my father

She loved me through the circumstances.

By now you know who I speak of?

I’m sure you do

My mother, My lover, My girl

Looking back now, this woman amases me

Though he was gone when I was 3 months old and my sister was 2

To each question, she always had the right answer as though we were on an episode of  family feud

Superwoman must have hated my mother

Working two jobs, clean clothes, food and homework were always covered.

Instilling values like telling my sis “don’t fight with your brother”

Looking back now, she could have used those situation as a compare and contrast to our father

But no! Not my mother

I’m not going to beat my chest and say of the five of us I’m the best

I could merely be the worse, because of that time she beat me, and I cursed.

Or the time when I played fass, after being asked to cut the grass

And I told my sis, “let she hull she ass” oh boy, oh boy

She didn’t forget to give me that cut ass

My siblings and I knew about getting gifts on valentine day from an early age

Catch, nuggle, penola or Twix, when she walked through the door on February 14^th  

collecting in a single file line used to be the only thing that was on our mind

“Happy valentine day from mummy”, she would say

“Remember that you’re special; don’t let anyone treat you any other way”

I could go on and on about my mother

most genuine love, there is no other

My life, my rock, my pillar

Though my mother, also my father

SUPER DAD

So there I was on Google, minding my own business, searching for topics of discussion. Out of nowhere it came up, an image of “superdad”. This was a first to me, as am only use to superman. I ignored it and continued my mission, desperate now, I pondered on “superdad” was this a cartoon that never aired in my country? Or did it aired that year our cable had cut? Desperate times, calls for desperate measures. I decided to create my own criteria’s of a” SuperDad”.

·        Unlike Clark Kent, he wears not an “S” on his chest, he knows his responsibilities and chose to do it discreetly.  

•   He gets the child what is needed and not what’s always wanted.
•  From a distance he will watch the child fall, but catches him before he hits rock bottom. All to teach the lesson of “life”
•   Regardless of the relationship with him and the child’s mother, he never talks bad about her in front of the child.
•  Unlike Clark, he need not go into a telephone booth to change character. His character must be easily recognisable by his traits.
•  He takes no credits for his actions but rather categories it as “My fatherly duty”
• He listens to his child, not only the vocal language but also the verbal one.
• He loves his child unconditionally, and takes an oath to be there for him/her from the time he impregnate the woman

I’m honestly not sure if there were a cartoon called “superdad”, if not I can see this character in a marvel comic book. Those are the characteristic I believe of a “superdad”, though never had one; they were very identifiable because I had a “Supermom”! 

All Black Dads are dead beat

Yesterday while having lunch with a colleague I decided to bring up the “Parenting” conversation. With a selfish agenda, I quietly listen to her rant and rave about, why women have to stay at home with babies, remain with stretch marks while dad’s only get the bragging rights etc. The discussion was not going in the angle I needed it to! She somehow was not giving me the material for my next blog, then she said it, “most times you see d black man leaving their women to raise the children alone”. For a minute I sat speechless, not because of what she said, but because I was assessing the trend.  I pondered on the statement before I visited the net. I came across a blog on Flickr entitle “Family secrets leads photographer on unexpected journey”.

In the blog, Zun Lee, has always been attracted to capturing images of parents and children– specifically fathers and sons. Exploring this relationship is deeply personal to him, especially after learning in 2004, that he was the offspring of a black man. What peak my interest in this blog was a statement made by  Zun Lee. He said, “There was a lot of anger, resentment and confusion on my part, but it was easy for me to hang on to that hurt and not deal with it. Because for me, as long as I could project my feelings of resentment onto a negative stereotype, I could conveniently push it aside and say, ‘I guess I’m just part of the absent black father narrative myself, so what else is new?’"  His statement almost sounded like something I would have said, had I been Korean with a black history.

But why? Why is it when we talk about black fathers, the imagery associated is that they’re irresponsible, they’re absent, they’re deadbeats and not willing to pick up their share of personal responsibility. The examples to counter the negative stereotypes are Dr. Cliff Huxtable (Cosby) or even Barack Obama. It’s one or the other. This blog is meant as an acknowledgement to the everyday dad who may not be perfect, but is still a part of his child’s life. Though not a dad yet, I think the most important thing about fatherhood for the children is the knowledge that they matter.

The stereotype of black fathers are one that should stop, not all black guys want to, plant the seed and not grow the plant. While writing this blog I profiled a few “black dads” I know,  Leif Mathura, Ricky Agulia, Kegan Mc Guire, Kerry Peters and Kerwyn Kingston to name a few. These guys take their responsibilities seriously and go about their business very quietly. So though there are dead beat black dads, there are also upbeat ones, and society needs to stop comparing black dads to Cliff or Obama. One is a character with a script the other is merely a public figure that must always look good in his country’s eyes. This goes out to all my black brothers that do a good job being a dad, standing out and not sitting down, you all basically shattered the serotype in my eyes.

Letter to Triston

Resume for being a dad

Yesterday while having a conversation with a friend via one of the many social media I’m actively on, a question was asked to me that I thought I had answered to myself a while ago. “Triston, are you ready to be a dad?” And though I had thought about this many times on my own (answer being yes), the context and flow of the conversation made me requisitioned myself.

      Being a dad is not a volunteering service which you can decide to no longer do, or an online magazine which you can unsubscribe to.  This job is a lifetime one which does not have retirement or vacation days. Damn…thinking about it, nor do it have casual days! You being sick, has nothing to do with him or her.  Being a dad requires your lifestyle to change, you no longer living for you alone, but for that little boy or girl that constantly watching you when you’re not even watching.

Being a dad means you no longer have Saturdays for yourself, nor Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or a calendar. Walking around the house naked is a thing of the past, the spontaneous beers run when you already at home may got to go, because chances are you doing a project using clay dough.

Is this why? Is this why a lot of fathers don’t man up to their responsibilities and chicken out? When the novelty of the big belly wares off, and the reality of a crying baby kicks in they decide to run out? 

  Don’t get me wrong, being a father is not a death sentence, nor does it mean your life have to completely turn around. All it means is that you no longer live for you alone, but you and a younger one.

Which do you believe is more healthy for a child, a part-time dad (visits seasonal, Christmas, birthdays etc.) or a totally absent dad?  

12 things a man should teach his son

There are some things in life that boys learn on their own, there are also some things that should be thought to them, to make them better men. Here are the top 12 things (no particular order) I believe a man should teach his son about life. Ironically, some my mom thought me, some from the internet and some as time passed by.

1.     Excuses are Useless

Excuses are for the useless and the weak who cannot do what they said they would do. Always do as you say you will do and never give excuses as to why you didn't do something.

2.     Girls

Girls will respond to you being a boy. They will not respond to you trying to bond with them and have things in common with them. The further away from their femininity you are the more they will be attracted to you. Tease them, play with them, treat them like a little sister and you will not have girl problems.

3.     How to approach females

Approaching a girl you like is not as easy as it seems. To some it’s a natural, to others it’s a cold sweat, sweaty palms process. A dad should give his son the do’s and don’ts of this. After all, he would have had to approach the mother.

4.     Be Bold

Bold action is required to reap the rewards of life. Timidity is good for nothing. If you want something you go after it and you take it. You don’t ask permission to fulfill your goals, you don’t apologize for your goals, you don’t make excuses for your goals, and you don’t give a damn about being modest in the face of lessers.

5.     How to Change the Oil in Your Car / How to Change a Tire

It’s ok to take the car a mechanic to get the oil changed but some day you may be tight on cash. Some day you may be on the highway when a tire blows, you will need to know how to put on a spare tire and not have to rely on mechanical support. Paying someone to change your tire is just a waste of money.

6.     Always Ask for What You Want

If the waiter brings you the wrong food tell them. If the cook made your order wrong tell them. Never be shy to get what you paid for. If your woman asks you what you want for dinner you always answer. You never say “oh, I dunno…what you want…“.

7.     Opportunity is Everywhere

You must learn to keep your eyes and ears open and ready to take advantage of opportunity. As a man you do not wait for opportunity to present itself to you, you seek it out.

.     Trust is Earned, Not Given

Treat everyone with respect but never let your guard down. People in this world are out to eat the weak and if you show vulnerability the lions will feast.

.     Never Give Women Power Over You

When women have the upper hand they will use it to your peril. It is only when you hold your rightful power do women respect you. It is usually the case that men who give women power, who try and do everything to please women, who would never dream of arguing or abusing a women, that get the police called on them for “abuse”, because they take so much, they eventually lash out.

.  How To Tie a Tie

A boy/man should wear a tie at least 3 times in his life time……interviews may require it, grad night, special occasion or even his own wedding. If you don’t teach your Son how to tie a tie he is going to learn from the internet. Is the internet a better father than you?

.  Competition is Great

If you play, you play to win. 2nd place is the first loser, always aim high.

1.  How to play a sport or Swim

When a boy meets up with his peers, there are some things that are given. A good game of football or a beach lime maybe, it’s hard when a boy has to “pass on this one”.

And the list can go on, what other things you thing a father should teach his son? Ladies tell me, what attributes you like to see that you belive can be taught from dad? Fellars, what has your dad did or did not thought you that i did not list?