Stepdad...Na, lets just leave it as Dad

There’s a saying by a Chinese philosopher “a journey of a thousand miles, begins with one step”.  When presented with the assignment to write blogs about something I could relate to, immediately I knew I wanted to talk about my dad and his absenteeism in my life. After talking to one of my avid followers, I realised where I went wrong. Though I have been writing blogs with the storyline of “a boy needing his father, yet too does a man”. I never really explain my story.  

The thing is this, my biological father is alive and kicking, my sister and him have a very strong relationship, to which I’m happy for her. His detachment towards me is one I questioned for years and still awaits the answer. For academic purposes, I did some research on paternal bonds and men. The answer was the same as I thought. Yes it exists, but is rare. So why? I would have once ask, may sound egoist but now I say, so what! In my previous blogs, I looked at the man in the mirror and other scenarios in my life, sometimes more of the negatives than positives. The second half is here, and some may even say the second half is rare!

I know ought to well that a boy need his father, so too does a man because I been through the boy chapter, and currently living the “man” chapter. I missed the presence of my “dad” in the childhood part of my life. The late teenage, young adult years however were different. My mom ex-boyfriend from years before reintroduced his self into my life. No stranger to me he was, looking back now, he was always on the sideline cheering me on, and I just never took notice. Some would label him Stepdad, I say no! Let’s just leave it as dad!

When I look back at my previous blogs I realised that I was constantly speaking of someone that rarely speak of me, steering a ship that had already sailed.  Now, moving forward, my blogs would come with a different twist. My development and mindset is not only based on my childhood experiences. It may sound contradictive, but it’s not.  As my lecturer told me, “the address for your blog is Triston’s heart let’s hear it”. With him saying that I thought I’ll set the platform for you’ll….My development and mindset is not only based on my childhood experiences, but also my young adult ones as well. Two men are responsible for this, my Biological Father and my Dad. Usually “two” comes with the best of both worlds, in my case it came with the Do’s and Don’ts…Because a boy need his father yet too does a man!   

Looking at the man in the mirror

Throughout my childhood years, I heard many different comparisons to my appearance. “You’re the splitting image of your father” sometimes “they take your mother face and stick it on yuh”.  For the purpose of this blog, I stood in front a mirror to determine which were true. To me, all I saw was my mom, or is it because she was whom I rather embodied? I then looked beyond my physical appearance and began to question the reason for some of my actions.

Is it because of my father that i was never quite sure of some manhood things I needed to know? Like, how strong is strong enough, how soft is too soft, or how much doing and giving is enough from a man's point of view? Only now I realised, I have yet to master the art of how to push forward and when to pull back, when to stand up and for how long I should.

In my earlier years there were times when I was unsure when to speak up or when to shut up. Because of lack of input from my father, I was never really quite sure about what other men will think about what i had to say. Who is a man? What are his attributes? A woman may cry when she's afraid, scream when she's angry, eat chocolate when she is depressed or off balance. What does a man do? How does a man handle turmoil in his mind or heart?

I now understand what Michael Jackson meant when he said “I’m looking at the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways”. For the most part of my life, I was unsure of what was expected of me. At times I overcompensate, under commit and in some cases, just give up rather than fail. There was once a time I used to grieve silently, and cry for what was missing. Cry! The one thing men ought to never get caught doing, and I learnt this from my peers. Maybe, just maybe if he was around I would have learnt that it’s ok to cry because I’m only human.

Looking at the man in the mirror, beyond the mirror, made me answered so many questions I did not even know I had to myself. One question that stood out at me was, how can you miss something you never had? Two days after drafting this blog and reading it over, the answer then hit me. You can’t miss something you never had; you can however miss what it could have been.

This particular blog was like a counseling session for me, the more I type, the more answers I received. What it taught me most though, is the man I ought to be to Triston Junior when he comes, so years from now he won’t be having the same questions I did. Because, I know too well how a boy could need his father, yet so too can a man.

Mummy Just Can't do it!

Mummy just can’t do it!

“Best yuh father did pull out and break in ah ants nest”, I once heard a mother told her child. And though I laughed at the time, age permitted me to understand what the child was being told. The child may not have understood, but cried because of the tone and context the line was used.

 Wikipedia states: Parenting is the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood. It’s also the aspects of raising a child aside from the biological relationship.

Anyone can be a father; it however takes a true man to be a daddy. There’s a fame that some men gets when impregnate a woman. They tap their chest, “drink to that”, call up all their boys and tell them the good news that they’ll soon be god daddies. If parenting is what Wikipedia says it is, why is it, some mothers alone are seen at the clinic, at school PTA or even the ones to reassure the “I love yous”?

A classmate once made a “joke” with me and said, “I think you could be one of my sperm donors you know”. Though she reiterated that she was not serious and was only joking, there are a lot of other women with the same mindset. The reason for this is exactly my fore mentioned points. If she has to be there emotionally, intellectually, and physically, with the right job post she might as well be financially.

 The presence of fathers is vital in the upbringing of any child’s life. There are many mothers that play the role of both parents, and to them I applaud. However, when teenage year’s starts kicking in, and hormones starts acting up, there are just some conversations a boy may feel more comfortable speaking to his dad about. The sex talk, condom usage and the reason for a boner every morning are some I just never felt comfortable speaking with my mom about. The stage for riding a bike can cut off at age 16; the proper usage of condoms does not really have a cutoff date, hence the reason a boy needs his father but so too does a man.