All Black Dads are dead beat

Yesterday while having lunch with a colleague I decided to bring up the “Parenting” conversation. With a selfish agenda, I quietly listen to her rant and rave about, why women have to stay at home with babies, remain with stretch marks while dad’s only get the bragging rights etc. The discussion was not going in the angle I needed it to! She somehow was not giving me the material for my next blog, then she said it, “most times you see d black man leaving their women to raise the children alone”. For a minute I sat speechless, not because of what she said, but because I was assessing the trend.  I pondered on the statement before I visited the net. I came across a blog on Flickr entitle “Family secrets leads photographer on unexpected journey”.

In the blog, Zun Lee, has always been attracted to capturing images of parents and children– specifically fathers and sons. Exploring this relationship is deeply personal to him, especially after learning in 2004, that he was the offspring of a black man. What peak my interest in this blog was a statement made by  Zun Lee. He said, “There was a lot of anger, resentment and confusion on my part, but it was easy for me to hang on to that hurt and not deal with it. Because for me, as long as I could project my feelings of resentment onto a negative stereotype, I could conveniently push it aside and say, ‘I guess I’m just part of the absent black father narrative myself, so what else is new?’"  His statement almost sounded like something I would have said, had I been Korean with a black history.

But why? Why is it when we talk about black fathers, the imagery associated is that they’re irresponsible, they’re absent, they’re deadbeats and not willing to pick up their share of personal responsibility. The examples to counter the negative stereotypes are Dr. Cliff Huxtable (Cosby) or even Barack Obama. It’s one or the other. This blog is meant as an acknowledgement to the everyday dad who may not be perfect, but is still a part of his child’s life. Though not a dad yet, I think the most important thing about fatherhood for the children is the knowledge that they matter.

The stereotype of black fathers are one that should stop, not all black guys want to, plant the seed and not grow the plant. While writing this blog I profiled a few “black dads” I know,  Leif Mathura, Ricky Agulia, Kegan Mc Guire, Kerry Peters and Kerwyn Kingston to name a few. These guys take their responsibilities seriously and go about their business very quietly. So though there are dead beat black dads, there are also upbeat ones, and society needs to stop comparing black dads to Cliff or Obama. One is a character with a script the other is merely a public figure that must always look good in his country’s eyes. This goes out to all my black brothers that do a good job being a dad, standing out and not sitting down, you all basically shattered the serotype in my eyes.

Letter to Triston

Resume for being a dad

Yesterday while having a conversation with a friend via one of the many social media I’m actively on, a question was asked to me that I thought I had answered to myself a while ago. “Triston, are you ready to be a dad?” And though I had thought about this many times on my own (answer being yes), the context and flow of the conversation made me requisitioned myself.

      Being a dad is not a volunteering service which you can decide to no longer do, or an online magazine which you can unsubscribe to.  This job is a lifetime one which does not have retirement or vacation days. Damn…thinking about it, nor do it have casual days! You being sick, has nothing to do with him or her.  Being a dad requires your lifestyle to change, you no longer living for you alone, but for that little boy or girl that constantly watching you when you’re not even watching.

Being a dad means you no longer have Saturdays for yourself, nor Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or a calendar. Walking around the house naked is a thing of the past, the spontaneous beers run when you already at home may got to go, because chances are you doing a project using clay dough.

Is this why? Is this why a lot of fathers don’t man up to their responsibilities and chicken out? When the novelty of the big belly wares off, and the reality of a crying baby kicks in they decide to run out? 

  Don’t get me wrong, being a father is not a death sentence, nor does it mean your life have to completely turn around. All it means is that you no longer live for you alone, but you and a younger one.

Which do you believe is more healthy for a child, a part-time dad (visits seasonal, Christmas, birthdays etc.) or a totally absent dad?  

12 things a man should teach his son

There are some things in life that boys learn on their own, there are also some things that should be thought to them, to make them better men. Here are the top 12 things (no particular order) I believe a man should teach his son about life. Ironically, some my mom thought me, some from the internet and some as time passed by.

1.     Excuses are Useless

Excuses are for the useless and the weak who cannot do what they said they would do. Always do as you say you will do and never give excuses as to why you didn't do something.

2.     Girls

Girls will respond to you being a boy. They will not respond to you trying to bond with them and have things in common with them. The further away from their femininity you are the more they will be attracted to you. Tease them, play with them, treat them like a little sister and you will not have girl problems.

3.     How to approach females

Approaching a girl you like is not as easy as it seems. To some it’s a natural, to others it’s a cold sweat, sweaty palms process. A dad should give his son the do’s and don’ts of this. After all, he would have had to approach the mother.

4.     Be Bold

Bold action is required to reap the rewards of life. Timidity is good for nothing. If you want something you go after it and you take it. You don’t ask permission to fulfill your goals, you don’t apologize for your goals, you don’t make excuses for your goals, and you don’t give a damn about being modest in the face of lessers.

5.     How to Change the Oil in Your Car / How to Change a Tire

It’s ok to take the car a mechanic to get the oil changed but some day you may be tight on cash. Some day you may be on the highway when a tire blows, you will need to know how to put on a spare tire and not have to rely on mechanical support. Paying someone to change your tire is just a waste of money.

6.     Always Ask for What You Want

If the waiter brings you the wrong food tell them. If the cook made your order wrong tell them. Never be shy to get what you paid for. If your woman asks you what you want for dinner you always answer. You never say “oh, I dunno…what you want…“.

7.     Opportunity is Everywhere

You must learn to keep your eyes and ears open and ready to take advantage of opportunity. As a man you do not wait for opportunity to present itself to you, you seek it out.

.     Trust is Earned, Not Given

Treat everyone with respect but never let your guard down. People in this world are out to eat the weak and if you show vulnerability the lions will feast.

.     Never Give Women Power Over You

When women have the upper hand they will use it to your peril. It is only when you hold your rightful power do women respect you. It is usually the case that men who give women power, who try and do everything to please women, who would never dream of arguing or abusing a women, that get the police called on them for “abuse”, because they take so much, they eventually lash out.

.  How To Tie a Tie

A boy/man should wear a tie at least 3 times in his life time……interviews may require it, grad night, special occasion or even his own wedding. If you don’t teach your Son how to tie a tie he is going to learn from the internet. Is the internet a better father than you?

.  Competition is Great

If you play, you play to win. 2nd place is the first loser, always aim high.

1.  How to play a sport or Swim

When a boy meets up with his peers, there are some things that are given. A good game of football or a beach lime maybe, it’s hard when a boy has to “pass on this one”.

And the list can go on, what other things you thing a father should teach his son? Ladies tell me, what attributes you like to see that you belive can be taught from dad? Fellars, what has your dad did or did not thought you that i did not list?

Stepdad...Na, lets just leave it as Dad

There’s a saying by a Chinese philosopher “a journey of a thousand miles, begins with one step”.  When presented with the assignment to write blogs about something I could relate to, immediately I knew I wanted to talk about my dad and his absenteeism in my life. After talking to one of my avid followers, I realised where I went wrong. Though I have been writing blogs with the storyline of “a boy needing his father, yet too does a man”. I never really explain my story.  

The thing is this, my biological father is alive and kicking, my sister and him have a very strong relationship, to which I’m happy for her. His detachment towards me is one I questioned for years and still awaits the answer. For academic purposes, I did some research on paternal bonds and men. The answer was the same as I thought. Yes it exists, but is rare. So why? I would have once ask, may sound egoist but now I say, so what! In my previous blogs, I looked at the man in the mirror and other scenarios in my life, sometimes more of the negatives than positives. The second half is here, and some may even say the second half is rare!

I know ought to well that a boy need his father, so too does a man because I been through the boy chapter, and currently living the “man” chapter. I missed the presence of my “dad” in the childhood part of my life. The late teenage, young adult years however were different. My mom ex-boyfriend from years before reintroduced his self into my life. No stranger to me he was, looking back now, he was always on the sideline cheering me on, and I just never took notice. Some would label him Stepdad, I say no! Let’s just leave it as dad!

When I look back at my previous blogs I realised that I was constantly speaking of someone that rarely speak of me, steering a ship that had already sailed.  Now, moving forward, my blogs would come with a different twist. My development and mindset is not only based on my childhood experiences. It may sound contradictive, but it’s not.  As my lecturer told me, “the address for your blog is Triston’s heart let’s hear it”. With him saying that I thought I’ll set the platform for you’ll….My development and mindset is not only based on my childhood experiences, but also my young adult ones as well. Two men are responsible for this, my Biological Father and my Dad. Usually “two” comes with the best of both worlds, in my case it came with the Do’s and Don’ts…Because a boy need his father yet too does a man!   

Looking at the man in the mirror

Throughout my childhood years, I heard many different comparisons to my appearance. “You’re the splitting image of your father” sometimes “they take your mother face and stick it on yuh”.  For the purpose of this blog, I stood in front a mirror to determine which were true. To me, all I saw was my mom, or is it because she was whom I rather embodied? I then looked beyond my physical appearance and began to question the reason for some of my actions.

Is it because of my father that i was never quite sure of some manhood things I needed to know? Like, how strong is strong enough, how soft is too soft, or how much doing and giving is enough from a man's point of view? Only now I realised, I have yet to master the art of how to push forward and when to pull back, when to stand up and for how long I should.

In my earlier years there were times when I was unsure when to speak up or when to shut up. Because of lack of input from my father, I was never really quite sure about what other men will think about what i had to say. Who is a man? What are his attributes? A woman may cry when she's afraid, scream when she's angry, eat chocolate when she is depressed or off balance. What does a man do? How does a man handle turmoil in his mind or heart?

I now understand what Michael Jackson meant when he said “I’m looking at the man in the mirror, I’m asking him to change his ways”. For the most part of my life, I was unsure of what was expected of me. At times I overcompensate, under commit and in some cases, just give up rather than fail. There was once a time I used to grieve silently, and cry for what was missing. Cry! The one thing men ought to never get caught doing, and I learnt this from my peers. Maybe, just maybe if he was around I would have learnt that it’s ok to cry because I’m only human.

Looking at the man in the mirror, beyond the mirror, made me answered so many questions I did not even know I had to myself. One question that stood out at me was, how can you miss something you never had? Two days after drafting this blog and reading it over, the answer then hit me. You can’t miss something you never had; you can however miss what it could have been.

This particular blog was like a counseling session for me, the more I type, the more answers I received. What it taught me most though, is the man I ought to be to Triston Junior when he comes, so years from now he won’t be having the same questions I did. Because, I know too well how a boy could need his father, yet so too can a man.

Mummy Just Can't do it!

Mummy just can’t do it!

“Best yuh father did pull out and break in ah ants nest”, I once heard a mother told her child. And though I laughed at the time, age permitted me to understand what the child was being told. The child may not have understood, but cried because of the tone and context the line was used.

 Wikipedia states: Parenting is the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood. It’s also the aspects of raising a child aside from the biological relationship.

Anyone can be a father; it however takes a true man to be a daddy. There’s a fame that some men gets when impregnate a woman. They tap their chest, “drink to that”, call up all their boys and tell them the good news that they’ll soon be god daddies. If parenting is what Wikipedia says it is, why is it, some mothers alone are seen at the clinic, at school PTA or even the ones to reassure the “I love yous”?

A classmate once made a “joke” with me and said, “I think you could be one of my sperm donors you know”. Though she reiterated that she was not serious and was only joking, there are a lot of other women with the same mindset. The reason for this is exactly my fore mentioned points. If she has to be there emotionally, intellectually, and physically, with the right job post she might as well be financially.

 The presence of fathers is vital in the upbringing of any child’s life. There are many mothers that play the role of both parents, and to them I applaud. However, when teenage year’s starts kicking in, and hormones starts acting up, there are just some conversations a boy may feel more comfortable speaking to his dad about. The sex talk, condom usage and the reason for a boner every morning are some I just never felt comfortable speaking with my mom about. The stage for riding a bike can cut off at age 16; the proper usage of condoms does not really have a cutoff date, hence the reason a boy needs his father but so too does a man.