Review.... My sentiments of you

There is a saying “the race is not for the swiftest, but for those that endure to the end”. Today is December 6^th, today is the last day to submit the final of my  fifteen blogs. After the fourteenth blog I decided I had enough, it’s only one blog short, no worries right? I then thought to myself, why am I being so selfish? What about the persons that had been following me week after week, commenting and advising on what should be my next topic of discussion.

Should they not know how I feel now? Should they not know that I don’t accept but I understand that my father were afraid of being a father to a boy child, because the expectations are harder. The past three months, has been a learning experience for me. Honestly it has been an experience I thought I have dealt with years ago. At first I was skeptical about speaking of something so personal, only when I begin writing and conversing I started hearing other persons like me speaking up. A lot of people have been asking me if I would be continuing my blog.  This I cannot answer just yet, As mentioned in everything in life there is good and Bad, fathers let us try to overpower the bad. As to my dad, I forgive you, the below poem is Exactly my sentiments towards you

Daddy, that word you pronounce that the ending sounds like and E

But it’s really a Y

Yes a Y, de same thing I use to cry

When I say  “why me”

Why me out of the two you hated the most

Why me out of the two had to justify my post

Here’s why, you were too afraid

Afraid of another man that would carry your name

And give it what you would have wanted …”Fame”

Yes fame I said, that’s what you like !

Like when I passed all 6 subjects at CXC , you thought you had all d bragging rights

But yuh right!

That’s your rights, but what about mine?

What about my rights to be loved unconditionally?

 I forgive you though,

Forgive you of all your folly

And every day I pray and thank God for mommy

This communication class caused me to study

Not you!

But the causes and effects of  all dead beat daddies

What I know now, I did not know then

But I thank you

Thank you for sticking with my sister to the very end

Because all de talk I talk about a boy needs a father

So too does a girl, in this cold and trouble world

So for now we would pretend that you did it for us

At least in her life she has a man she can trust 

Enjoy this song people https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VIW4HDfNKQ

Letter to Triston Completed

A few weeks ago, I did a video blog entitled “letter to Triston”. I promised to post another video blog with the continuation this letter; however, time did not permit to do such. A lot of people inclusive of my  younger me wanted to hear what exactly I had to say to eleven year old Triston. Below is a copy of the entire letter, with everything I wanted to tell him.

Dear Triston, 

        you are now in std 5, you may not know this, but because of the gap between you and your dad, made your relationship stronger between you and your mom. At age eleven you won’t understand the lessons that your dad have thought you, like the time he promised to buy you that t shirt for your school bazaar and never showed up. At age 23 doing a social media blog you will then realised that he was teaching you the lessons of disappointments and not everything that’s promised is given.

All the questions you have been asking yourself would be answered in twelve years . You will realised that he did only what he knew how to. Remember when you use to question the racing of your heart beat when he would visit? Well it was one of the two that you thought it was; yes it was fright and not excitement. I wish I could stop you from blaming yourself for his behavior; you’re only a child and cannot be blame for his emotions.  Always remember that your mother has your back, you will be faced with a number of scenarios over the next twelve years and you will see one constant person always showing up, appreciate her.  Trying to over achieve at SEA would not make a difference in your father’s eyes, you might has well stop.

All the hurt, pain and disappointment are actually preparing you for a test, a test called “adulthood”. This test however has different sections, relationships, employment, living on your own and many others. Because you have been through disappointment already, you will find it easy to “jab and Move”. Jab and Move?  You are not yet familiar with this phrase; it would however become your philosophy towards life. Your stepdad would teach you this at a very depressing time in your life, only then you would begin seeing life as a boxing ring, where you Jab (make the punch) and Move (keep moving while being vigilant).

Your future seems bright, the sky is the limit, and passing SEA is the slightest of test you must go through. There is one called CXC, and another Tertiary education, O boy there are some fun times ahead. The people that you think would always be around will give you a shocker. As you always do, don’t get scared just yet, as mentioned, it’s called life and you’re going to make it. Questions about your father and his behavior you would not understand until age twenty three  when you have decided to confront the issue by writing on it. For now you’re only a child, and issues should be least of your problems, try to enjoy life.

PS.

You @ age 23

Single Father Associations of Trinidad and Tobago

Like everything in life, you'll find negatives and positives. I was determine  to not only speak about the negatives fathers there are in society, but also the positives one. My mission was to look for guys that have the same mindset I'll have when I become a father, further to that, I wanted local examples. Facebook is the place most people inclusive of myself now uses as a search engine. searching and searching I came across "Single Fathers Association of Trinidad & Tobago", this group peaked my interest for more reasons than one.

 Being a single parent does not always mean that the father or mother has abandoned their child. One can become a single parent due to the lost of a spouse, mental illness, migrate or the common know one abandonment. Finally, men for men, an organisation that stands and supports another brother, giving him guidance and advise on how to get through circumstances.

The group has 1772 members, "social media junkies" may say that's not a lot, to which I would agree to. However, 1772 active members in y opinion is better that 20,000 inactive ones.These guys  comments on relevant topics, give advise and share inspirational pictures even of their favourite moments being a single father. Usually when I hear "I grew up with a single parent" I automatically use to think that the person grew up with their mother. This group has changed my mindset, the association also share files that can help fathers legally, emotionally and also spiritually. The more I scrolled down the page, the more amuse I became.

One would usually see women having organisations and standing for each other, I felt proud to see men doing it as well. To me this organisation seemed like a home for single fathers to go, a counsellor he could talk to. Though the group is an open group, ones request must be confirmed by the administrator. At first I thought it was not as intimate, the on going conversation on a post between two dads changed my mind. To any single fathers reading this blog and not a member of this group, I'll advise you become one. A man is not an island, it is always a plus when going through a situation to have someone on your side that also went or is going through the same. To the single Fathers Association of Trinidad and Tobago, I salute you'll, we need more of you out here

Values

“Values! What values? “These were the exact words and expression I gave to my aunt that has been reading my blog over the past three months. There’s an old saying that goes; “if yuh don’t know, don’t assume”. Excuse my langue, but there is also one that says “assumption is the mother of all fock ups”. That’s what my aunt literally did herself, correct me if I am wrong, but throughout my blogs, I have been stating scenarios about my relationship with my dad, the negatives, positives and the mistakes I do not intend to repeat.

I really appreciate when people gives feedback on my posts, it is clear that it was read and sometimes well received. The biggest mistake a human could make is assume, it is better to assume the position of not know, than assume you do. I however like the position that my aunt assumed, in her defense she has every right to. She does not live Trinidad and saw me at least twice in her life. Her statement of “you should at least talk about the values he instilled in you” was well received; this is a hefty topic in the development of any child’s life.

 For research purposes I decided to look up the meaning of values so I won’t do my dad “injustice” as she stated. (Values - principles or standards of behavior; one's judgement of what is important in life). I tried really hard to find some values that he instilled in me, had she said “values you learnt because of him” would have made it much easier. The truth of the matter is that he never really instilled any values in me. Please don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I never use to see him, he just however was never a part of my life to get the opportunity to firmly establish an idea or attitude in my mind. Thinking of it now here are some values I learnt because of him:

1.      Never show one child you love him or her more than the other

2.      Showing up for your child’s birthday is better than sending a gift

3.      Respecting your child’s mother earns you extra points

4.      Your word makes you credible

5.      If you’re going to act like a man, think like one

There is always a lesson to be learnt in every situation, and to this particular one I thank my aunt. Had it not been for her, I would not have been able to flesh out these points, this class would have ended and like before my thoughts of my “father” would have gone back to the basement of my head. This particular blog meant a lot to me, I've

been so busy fleshing out childhood scenarios, while neglecting the outcome of them. To fathers out there, try to instilled some values in the life of your child, because, though a child needs a father, so too does an adult.

                                                                                                                           

What to expect when expecting

Being a father means a lifetime of not always knowing what to expect, and it all begins when you’re expecting. Will your baby be a boy or a girl? Tall or short? Will your baby have your nose, or their mother’s sense of humor?

While there can be excitement in what is unknown, forward planning and being supportive of your child’s mother during her pregnancy can help keep you feeling connected to the unborn child. The connection must be made before the child is born, so that when he or she arrives you are connected.

I recently came across an article on the net entitled, “the importance of fathers in the healthy development of a child. This article basically says a lot of the same points I been touching on throughput my blogs. They touch on a topic that to my view a lot of men rarely does. “Sixteen things fathers can do to support their pregnant partners” it was entitled, thinking of it , we rarely hear of men doing five of these sixteen. The list is great though, I can see how this can form a better connection with the unborn child, and forming a close relationship in his or her life. It is my view that

these tips can help eliminate disconnection between father’s and children.

Tips:

1.      Go with your partner to her prenatal visits. The baby's heart starts beating 22 days after conception, or the fifth week of pregnancy, and you can hear it with an ultrasound anywhere between the seventh and twelfth weeks.1 During the second trimester, go with your partner if she needs an ultrasound. You can see the baby's head, arms, hands, legs, and feet. You may even find out the sex of the baby. During the third trimester, ask how you can help during the delivery.
2.    Watch videotapes, listen to audiotapes, check out the Internet, or read books about prenatal development, birthing, and becoming a parent.
3.     Help plan for the baby. Talk with your partner about what you both want for your baby. Ask friends and family members if you can borrow a crib, changing table, or baby clothes. Many people are glad to let you use their things. Save a little money each week. It will make it easier once the baby arrives.
4. Go to classes that will teach you and your partner about childbirth.
5.  Help your partner stay healthy during pregnancy. Help her eat many different foods. Watch what you eat too. If you eat right, you will make it easier for her. Help your partner stay away from alcohol. Alcohol can cause birth defects. Encourage her to drink juice or milk.
6.   Help your partner stay away from street drugs. If you use illegal drugs, stop now, and if your partner uses them, get help for her. Also, encourage her to check with the doctor before taking any over-the-counter drugs or prescription drugs.
7.     Make sure your partner stays away from dangerous household products. Strong cleansers, paint products, and insecticides can all harm your baby. Do not let her empty the cat litter box.
8.        Exercise during pregnancy. Walk or swim together. Both are safe exercises and provide time together.
9.    Be sure your partner gets enough rest. Help with the household chores. Encourage her to use relaxation exercises and join in. Stress can be very harmful to both mother and baby. Talk out differences in a supportive way. If you find yourself becoming angry and having difficulty controlling negative feelings, seek out counseling. Never use physical force, intimidation, belittling comments, or other abusive behaviors. These are not productive for any relationship and are especially harmful during pregnancy.
10.        Understand the different changes both you and your partner are going through as you prepare for parenthood. Pregnancy causes many changes in how a woman feels about how her body is changing. You can still have sex. Talk to each other about what feels good.
11.     Support your partner's choice on how to feed the baby. Breast milk is best for the baby. If mom chooses bottle feeding, you can often take over the feeding of the baby and give mom a rest. Even if breast feeding, mom can pump milk into a bottle, which will allow your participation in the feeding of the baby.
12.       To attach with your baby, take time to learn about the developmental stages and how nutrition, lifestyles, and stress can affect prenatal growth. Listen to your child's heartbeat, feel the kicks. From the second trimester on, you can play the "tapping" game. Each time the mother feels the unborn baby kick, you can respond by tapping her stomach in the same area. The unborn baby quickly learns this "call and response" game. Talk and sing to your baby. Direct positive thoughts and loving feelings to your unborn child. Visualize yourself holding, touching, rocking, or talking to your child. Think about the kind of father you want to be to your child.
13.         Find an infant massage class and attend with your partner. Infant massage is a wonderful way to soothe a baby.
14.    Learn how to bathe, feed, diaper, hold, and comfort a baby. All of these activities will build a father's confidence and enhance bonding with the child.
15.         Find a "New Fathers" support group or talk to other men who have had or are going to have new babies. Share feelings, ideas on supporting the pregnant mom, and tips to make sure you are taking care of yourself.
16.      As soon as the baby is born, hold the baby and look into the baby's eyes. If you talked to the baby before he or she was born, speak to him or her at birth, then he or she will probably recognize your voice

sWe as men, always think to ourselves that we are strong enough to handle any situation, so we may say "when the baby comes I'll know how to deal with it". This may work for some and may not for others, The emotional change that some  may go through can cause a disconnection towards the child. Causing a child twenty years down the road writing blogs on his or her father disconnected relationship, like me, stating the point that, "every child needs a father yet too does an adult" 

Superwoman Rivalry -a poem about mummy

Further to my previous blog “superdad”, and my mentioning of my “supermom”. One of my followers asked me to write a blog on my “supermom” and our relationship. Those that knows me personally, knows I am the number one “mummy’s boy”.  Though not a poet, my heart desired to speak of her through a poem writing style.  Thinking of it now, though i have been mentioning the absenteeism of my dad, i never really dedicated a blog to my mom, the woman that constantly cheers me on....this is for you Mummy!

The first woman I knew,

The first woman I loved

The first woman that loved me back and it was not a matter of choice

She had no ulterior motives, although ignorant behavior of my father

She loved me through the circumstances.

By now you know who I speak of?

I’m sure you do

My mother, My lover, My girl

Looking back now, this woman amases me

Though he was gone when I was 3 months old and my sister was 2

To each question, she always had the right answer as though we were on an episode of  family feud

Superwoman must have hated my mother

Working two jobs, clean clothes, food and homework were always covered.

Instilling values like telling my sis “don’t fight with your brother”

Looking back now, she could have used those situation as a compare and contrast to our father

But no! Not my mother

I’m not going to beat my chest and say of the five of us I’m the best

I could merely be the worse, because of that time she beat me, and I cursed.

Or the time when I played fass, after being asked to cut the grass

And I told my sis, “let she hull she ass” oh boy, oh boy

She didn’t forget to give me that cut ass

My siblings and I knew about getting gifts on valentine day from an early age

Catch, nuggle, penola or Twix, when she walked through the door on February 14^th  

collecting in a single file line used to be the only thing that was on our mind

“Happy valentine day from mummy”, she would say

“Remember that you’re special; don’t let anyone treat you any other way”

I could go on and on about my mother

most genuine love, there is no other

My life, my rock, my pillar

Though my mother, also my father

SUPER DAD

So there I was on Google, minding my own business, searching for topics of discussion. Out of nowhere it came up, an image of “superdad”. This was a first to me, as am only use to superman. I ignored it and continued my mission, desperate now, I pondered on “superdad” was this a cartoon that never aired in my country? Or did it aired that year our cable had cut? Desperate times, calls for desperate measures. I decided to create my own criteria’s of a” SuperDad”.

·        Unlike Clark Kent, he wears not an “S” on his chest, he knows his responsibilities and chose to do it discreetly.  

•   He gets the child what is needed and not what’s always wanted.
•  From a distance he will watch the child fall, but catches him before he hits rock bottom. All to teach the lesson of “life”
•   Regardless of the relationship with him and the child’s mother, he never talks bad about her in front of the child.
•  Unlike Clark, he need not go into a telephone booth to change character. His character must be easily recognisable by his traits.
•  He takes no credits for his actions but rather categories it as “My fatherly duty”
• He listens to his child, not only the vocal language but also the verbal one.
• He loves his child unconditionally, and takes an oath to be there for him/her from the time he impregnate the woman

I’m honestly not sure if there were a cartoon called “superdad”, if not I can see this character in a marvel comic book. Those are the characteristic I believe of a “superdad”, though never had one; they were very identifiable because I had a “Supermom”!